Destruction and Rebirth in the Cesspool of Life

Excuse my somewhat foul mood today, but people are scum! I have cultivated the art of optimistic depression to a highly evolved level while refusing to submit in any way to the oppressiveness of this veil of tears. Sometimes I trudge forward in life simply so I can defiantly give the finger to the cesspool that is humanity. Life in urban areas tends to reinforce my disgust for people and contempt for social order as most people are a waste of oxygen. My apologies to those of you who still cling to the false gods of tolerance and goodness with respect to the human condition as a whole, the world just doesn't work that way -nor will it ever. Transformation and destruction are inevitable: visions of any form of stabilized lasting social order, whether in the form of utopian pipe-dreams or reactionary oppression, are just delusional ways for people to shoot rays of sunshine up their ass. The filth that is life in the city exemplifies this, it will only get worse as population pressure increases.
Despite my inherent rage toward society and life in general, I have learned to appreciate and enjoy the transitory good times and select people that make this confined existence tolerable. As such, I felt it necessary to comment on KFR's latest blog in this forum as opposed to his comments section in order to directly address the UO cohort in general. Sorry to hear about KFR's rent, but such is life in Cali. I know exactly how KFR feels in terms of cohort dynamics. Although, some of you probably don't realize how much had already changed by last year as things were drastically restructured in a department undergoing a form of identity crisis. It had a very different feel to it - adrift without a viable sense of direction or cohesion. Most of the newer people were incredibly lame. The nature of the admissions process was altering the target group in negative ways. KFR's cohort year, and a few fabulous individuals that followed in later years, provided a unique constellation of good times which cruel fate deemed necessary to crush in the relentless onslaught of life's waves of transformation, destruction, and misery. It has been my experience that anything good or worthwhile in life will always be either destroyed, stolen, or corrupted in the most vile and unforgiving of ways. Despite this, I stand defiant in the knowledge new opportunities for transient happiness purified in the blood of the preceding carnage will always arise. Revel in the hedonistic pleasures of life until the next wave of destruction hits, then once again struggle out of this ocean of filth to warm yourself under the rays of sun. All states are transitory!
On a side-note of pure hypocrisy, I went against my better nature and temporarily suspended my opposition toward participation in the political process in order to vote by mail in the California primary. Because the present system is still too powerful to be overthrown at this time and the level of decay has not yet reached a state that will allow me to assemble my hordes, I will temporarily allow this exception in an attempt to mitigate the level of evil perpetuated by this government. Unfortunately, this participation in such a corrupted political system has left me feeling every bit as dirty and hungover as the morning after a drunken one-night stand when you're trying to escape out the door without being trapped into a situation you know you'll regret. Have a nice day! Sorry for the magnitude of today's pessimism - it will pass.

Sleep Deprivation in the Rain

The rain has returned and I'm hoping it enhances my ability to sleep tonight. My sleep cycle has been particularly disrupted lately due to some kind of nerve irritation (hopefully temporary!) in my hip and back injuries. I have been forcing workouts to try to manipulate my knotted muscle groups, but things continue to linger in ways that detract from sleep. Even when I drift off, I don't feel rested when I wake up. Hopefully, these things will pass soon. I'm off to a departmental grad student meeting tonight with free drinks and pizza. Maybe I can kill some of the pain with drinks and sleep well tonight. I guess I should probably translate some Greek before I go, although it might look a bit more understandable after some drinks. Maybe I'll actually meet some interesting people tonight, but the dynamics in a department so large remain somewhat specialized and isolating thus far. I'm trying to get my new digital camera up and running sometime in the next few weeks, although I'm a pretty lazy photog.

A Weak Return to the Blogosphere

I apologize for my considerable hiatus from the world of blog addiction, although I doubt anybody missed my self-indulgent rantings very much. Either way, this one's a bit long due to the hiatus. It probably sucks because I have not been feeling all that well lately. I was down with some form of influenza the week after Christmas, then I was without power for a few days in Oregon as winds between 90-135 mph severely damaged the top of the house. Then the rain and snow came to further damage the back bedrooms of the house with numerous leaks - contractors still have not caught up from the widespread damage and the house is still in severe need of repair. I unwillingly returned to LA with my daughter and mother still without power, and my father working around the clock for a week to restore power throughout the valley. Things have finally settled down, but my relentless academic schedule has been made more difficult with my first Greek course in awhile, at least it is the relatively easy Herodotus. Unfortunately, I have to prepare for a very intensive history seminar on Polybius next quarter that will be conducted almost exclusively in Greek. The history professor came from a Classics tradition where the introduction to his Grad program was the "look to your left, look to your right - one of these people will fail due to an attrition rate in excess of 50%, you will not sleep, and you will wish there was 25 hours in the day due to the impossible amount of translation we will assign you, face this truth and despair, etc..." Hunched over in translation for too long remains one of the most problematic things with respect to my back injury. My current schedule requires between 3-5 times the workload expected in my prior program. The program is way better for me, but the rest of my life is not as enjoyable as what I had before. I have paid a severe physical and social price, and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. I'm trying to force a workout schedule in order to try to feel better, but it remains very difficult with limited results for the valuable time invested. I think I need some Human Growth Hormone or Anabolic Steroids so I could have the energy and stamina of my testosterone driven teenage years again, but I'd probably revert back to my youthful intensity and even more excessive hostility toward society as a whole. Believe it or not, my present emotional vacuousness allows me to put forward the moderated and rosy version of my personality most of you know. Although, I did get alot more play from the female of the species when I was an intense brooding character of exceptional vitality. Now that my peculiar life has beaten most of the feeling and inherent beauty from my personage, it remains obvious emotional apathy and physical deterioration must just be too unappealing - even though I am much more amicable and sensitive for the most part. If I can spare any time, I think I'll start to resurrect my asshole persona this weekend and see how that plays out. Unfortunately, it remains hard to muster up the ambition to engage in such hedonistic pursuits as a distraction from my oppressive schedule. Any votes as to which way I should go? Alas, all things change eventually and I'll just continue to endure until I get a more balanced life to cycle back through at some point. I'll just remain focused on my time in Italy this summer!

Ensnared at Dinner by an Impromptu Jane Austen Seminar

This one's for that zealous coven of females in Eugene engaging in the secret rites of their mystery cult dedicated to all things Jane Austen. You know who you are! During a wonderful Italian dinner at my adviser's house last night, my masculine sensibilities, derived from the Roman cardinal virtues of virtus (manly excellence) and gravitas (dignity and seriousness of character), were ensnared by that most insidious of all feminist plots designed to mollify the unbridled strength of men: academic deconstruction of the gender/power dynamics found in the world portrayed by Jane Austen. The wonderful hostess for the evening was a prominent Professor in the English department who has taught graduate seminars on the subject for years. As I listened to the very astute deconstruction of the period covered by Austen, I could not help but reflect back on a couple of my intoxicated viewings of Sense and Sensibility and Pride and Prejudice in Eugene last spring. The Coven of Austen in Eugene would have been in a total state of bliss hearing this discussion over such a wonderful dinner. The entire dinner was a very good experience for me. However, with respect to Austen, I always become perturbed with the entire social/gender structure of that time. I do not consider the aristocratic men of that period to fall within my definition of actual men, they are weak figures who had allowed themselves to become trapped within a vacuous social structure that emasculated them within the same gilded cage the women fell prey to. The incessant hand-wringing and calculation exhibited by these women over such insignificant men precludes me from having any sympathy for their plight. Any truly virtuous woman would have decried all these men as impious and unworthy of either love or marriage. Out of contempt and utter disgust, I would have marshaled my hordes and purged the entire society with fire and steel. Such a mollified society could not have withstood the wrath of righteous conquest to establish a new social order. I will let my diatribe die here, so you can all rail against my lack of understanding for the nuances of the redeeming value of Austen. Have at it! Be well!

Confirmation of Italy Position Next Summer

First the good news: I received formal confirmation of my staff position at the San Martino Field School in Torano, Italy next summer. Hopefully, I can build some Italian linguistic skills over the next few months. In any case, it feels good to get moving in the right direction. My ability to secure future employment as a historian will be much improved with practical field work on my CV as many historians simply don't have it. I think I should be able to pick up a couple extra weeks in Rome at the conclusion of the excavation by linking up with a different tour conducted by a couple of my other professors. My decision to enter this program is proving very fortuitous due to the available opportunities. The benefits of my new program have surpassed the negative aspects thus far.
Now on to the bad news: the limited social interaction, high cost of living, and difficulty of living in LA. Case in point, I get involved with traffic jams within parking lots just going to the most affordable grocery store, one that is still almost twice as expensive as I am accustomed to. The crowding in stores and parking areas is so annoying that I find myself reverting back to my default disposition of despising all humanity. I tried to spend the last few years nurturing and developing the tolerant warm and fuzzy aspect of my personality. Believe it or not, my time in Eugene was about as warm and fuzzy as I get. LA is slowly starting to bring back some of the edge to my mollified spirit. I feel the need to resurrect some of my anger and intensity to recultivate a more severe demeanor to gain some personal space in public. From my perspective, one of the biggest problems in the world is crowding and overpopulation that creates considerable tension among people that do not have enough personal space and freedom of action. As people are crowded together in urban areas trying to get around within the constraints of busy schedules (enforced by deadlines, cell phones, internet connectivity, etc..), extreme tension tends to boil to the surface. Individual incidents of stupidity are magnified because of how they interfere with everyone's schedule - a person blocking traffic , holding up a line, or engaging in any other acts of stupidity raises the level of volatility and frustration of the moving masses. I am gradually being reminded of how much I have traditionally despised the inherent stupidity of the majority of humanity. My experiment in patience and tolerance is rapidly coming to an end. It is probably best I am not traveling for Thanksgiving this week due to the reports of this likely being the most frustrating travel week in the history of the world. I will miss my family on Thankgiving, as I sit imprisoned by academic requirements in my lonely room, but it is only a few weeks until I can have a month break back in the relaxing confines of my valley homestead for Xmas. I must endure till then! Be well!

Another Premiere Interfered with Dinner

Following my return flight, I was starving to death from the lack of any food on the plane. After dropping my stuff off in my apartment, I set out on a quest to find some quick food for dinner. My search was impeded by the Brangelina phenomenon associated with the Beowulf opening that closed off multiple streets and sidewalks on my way to food. The premiere event even placed a rock wall doorway 2 blocks from my house for the VIPS to enter into the party area associated with two adjacent theaters. Even though Angelina was quite striking, I found the mob scene very annoying given my ravenous mood. Angelina did do quite well in crossing the cordoned off area at the local coffee shop to actually make physical contact and mingle with the vulgar masses. Anthony Hopkins added some legitimate class to the operation, it made me want to enjoy a nice Chianti and discuss philosophy with Hannibal himself. The whole commotion further delayed my acquisition of food, leaving me quite vexed. Alas, at least I was in a generally good mood as my weekend trip finalized everything for the better. Hopefully, I can put some of the past issues behind for good. Be well!

A Weekend Respite from Fatigue

After a very tiring couple of weeks, I will be taking a much needed trip to see my daughter. My brother and his wife will also be flying back home for a visit (having survived the San Jose earthquake that scared their cat and shook them up a bit). I am looking forward to some time in brisk mountain air to recharge my depleted batteries. I am having a hard time getting my body to produce the energy I need to accomplish everything. No amount of caffeine has been sufficient, and I am trying to increase my physical regimen to boost metabolism - so far, mixed results. I had a boring Halloween trying to get things done before my trip, but it will be worth it. Complete custody of my daughter should be mine by Monday, she is doing very well in the pastoral setting of my family farm. Another piece of good news is that I have been informed (unofficially) that I am most likely assured of getting the funded staff position on the excavation in Italy next summer. This will allow for hands on archaeological experience about an hour from Rome with every weekend free to travel Italy. I will be able to stay in Italy for a good portion of the summer (likely in future summers also). In addition, this will free up an additional few weeks to spend with my daughter. If I had to be stuck on campus, I would spend the majority of the summer engaged in more tedious research or less significant coursework. Thus, things are going respectably well as I try to impose my will upon the inconstant designs of human existence. I will prevail against the cruel lashes of tempestuous fate and temporarily vanquish a few of life's little miseries.
Vae Victis - "Woe to the vanquished!" (Livy 5.48)