End of Quarter Near

Disclaimer: Elements in this fatigued and incoherently brutal rant are designed to tweak all you commies that just won't let go - sometimes I just like to be deliberately contrary, very politically incorrect, and generally insensitive. I'll go back to my default fuzzy and warm-hearted persona when I feel a bit better. I'm presently embracing darkness as an old friend; so read on at your own peril, or wait till my next post. The most miserable quarter of my life is approaching an end. If all quarters were like this one, I would not continue down this torturous path. I knew all along this would be my worst quarter, but I hoped it would go better than this. At least I'm within 3 weeks of Italy - I'm simply holding on til I can decompress my brain for the summer. I did go to the Indiana Jones midnight premiere across the street from my house because I couldn't sleep anyway and I thought I could get in an archaeological mood. All throughout the evening there were rogue packs of drunk sorority she-wolves howling the Indy theme song at the top of their lungs up and down the streets, so I felt unable to concentrate and justified abandoning my Greek at 11:30pm to go to the movie. Very convenient! I set my expectations as low as possible for the movie because nothing can ever live up to seeing the original when I was ten years old and still embraced hope and optimism in life. In this new movie, I didn't like the 50's motif and Stalinist Commies in film never make as formidable bad guys as the Nazi's do, although I always like Cate Blanchett in any role. Nazi's are always representative of an earthly manifestation of pure evil that is oppressively efficient and aristocratic in ways that posed a tangible threat to western notions of individual liberty. A concrete threat that had to be opposed at all costs. Commies tend to viewed as mindless promoters of a misguided ideology of unrealistic visions that exploited the desires of largely servile societies accustomed to being dominated by central authorities, essentially a bunch of lowly peasants that knew nothing but allowing themselves to be dominated. It is better to die than to be such an abject creature subservient to the state. Commies were never a threat to succeed over the long haul. Sorry to all you people out there who take commies seriously in any way, either on the far left as fans or the far right as 'Red Scare' mongers, but I'm much too concerned with the pursuit of self-agrandizing valor and glory from the vanquishment of a formidable enemy to give any credence to such an unworthy adversary, especially one so rooted in the base consciousness of the lowly peasantry. I remain much too narcissistic and elitist to validate commies as any real threat to western civilization - their movements tend to devolve into the eating of their own as in the Maoist and Stalinist examples, and they represent tragic, yet ultimately meaningless, exercises in population control of the vulgar throng. Thus, these commies and their ideologies are best resigned to the dustbin of history, a closet where you lock up the ugly and deformed step-child to avoid shame being conferred on the rest of the family. I pretty much feel the same way about inappropriate attempts to revive Marxist historiographical methodology in academia. Sorry friends, sometimes you just have to let it go when it dies and starts to decompose! Some applications of it can work in certain circumstances, but many are anachronistic projections. Anytime a scholar attempts to impose it on my field it invariably proves to be an absolute disaster, but you'd be surprised at the amount of articles in the last few decades that have tried. In any case, enough on the unworthy nature of villainous commies. Forgive the digression! Back to the film! The movie includes some nostalgic moments of proper Indy fare, but was doomed from inception to be unable to measure up to it's own iconic standards. With that said, I'm sure I will see it many times with my daughter over the years to come and it provided a much needed distraction from school. On a similar note, I have confirmed that a new Conan movie is in production at Lionsgate with a reported $100million budget. They did not consult me on the script, so I'm sure I will have to bring down the wrath of Crom on them if they screw this up too bad. I unabashedly state I could write the best script for Conan, one true to original vision, if only I had the right connections. I don't know who they are going to get to play the new Conan with the Gubernator being too old and physically deteriorated for this role, as he was always his most effective as an actor when he played a cyborg or a barely evolved human. Such was his wheelhouse. I hope whoever they get doesn't piss me off too much. I'll let this rant end now - Fine!

A Much Needed Dinner Party

Disclaimer: Here's a largely incoherent rant on a variety of topics. It lacks proper focus or methodology. Forgive me - I am tired! Following my torturous sleep study experience, I've been told my sinus issues and the perpetual physical and emotional pain my mind has been consciously blocking out for years may be manifesting in ways that disrupt my sleep patterns. After being hooked up to over 100 wires Monday night, I woke up partially paralyzed and with severe back pain at 4am from not properly repositioning my back in the night due to the feeling of ensnarement associated with the wires and the lousy bed. The experience ruined my entire day and I bombed an Italian quiz and couldn't concentrate during my Greek seminar. After sleeping better Tuesday night I was able to attend a good dinner party last night at my adviser's house for a friend of mine who will receive his PhD in a couple of weeks before going off to a tenure track job in Denver. They had him here 7 years after he came in with an MA. I played the political game at dinner pretty well, and spent alot of time conversing with the adviser of my adviser at UO who has been teaching at this school since the 50's. He even taught this fall for one quarter, and I hope my mind holds up half as well after that many years. In any case, I heard alot of good stories and had a very good evening. Although, the brain power in the room displayed by the 6 Profs in attendance made me feel intellectual deficient. I very rarely feel that way in any circumstance, but it sometimes happens. I think most view me favorably- at least I hope so! If I could get the medical people to help me get a bit more focus and brain capacity I should be fine. I'm in a weird hybrid situation where I do exceptional on the history side of things in my home department, and I do alright with my archaeology and somewhat well with my Classics courses. The History Dept has a very good dynamic that is very great to work in, but the Classics program I am required to work in has a much more cutthroat dynamic of deliberate attrition and competition - and these people usually specialize in philological analysis. I employ a wider approach in my historiography, which has many advantages, but I have a built in philological disadvantage because I'm not as narrowly specialized. Therefore, when I have to take courses in their departments I'm not on equal footing, while these students very rarely look to engage in historically themed courses. I'm all for overt competition when it is of the martial combat variety because the validity of the superiority of the victor is obvious and validated by the killing and/or subjugation of the shamed opponent. When might makes right, as it often does because morality tends to be a justified construct of delusional self-righteousness, argument over the nuances is meaningless. The subjective nature of intellectual valuation and combat I find to be inaccurate in many cases. Some people that do certain philological tasks often allow arguments to become lost in a quagmire of literary analysis, or they are so hyper-specialized they are completely irrelevant in any practical way. I sometimes think I come across this when dealing with certain elements I find in other departments and certain sub-fields in history. My field of Ancient History is a hybrid field that will require me to be able to function in a wide variety of other departments. Unfortunately, this dynamic may slow my progression and the timing of my completion, if they don't toss me out with the over 50% that don't make it, as I address the requirements and approaches in other departments. This may cost me a shot at possible job openings I would be well-positioned to pursue. I'm trying to get done in 4-5, but it may not be possible because of the external departments I have to deal with. Now, I must return to Greek translation. That is all!

Electrodes to the Brain

I am about to go stay in the hospital for the evening so the medical powers that be can study my sleep patterns and oxygen intake. My brain capacity continues to deteriorate and I feel increasingly lethargic. I'll be my pessimistic self and anticipate them finding an inoperable brain tumor. After establishing such low expectations, I'll be mildly relieved to find out from them that I will be likely to live for a few more decades in this veil of tears. Maybe I'll get lucky, and they'll have some ideas of ways that might improve my situation. Unfortunately, this overnight diagnostic will cause me to flail at an Italian test and in my Greek translation tomorrow. They'll release me just in time to mess up my entire schedule even worse. I just need this hellish quarter to be over. I'll post again soon if I make it out of the hospital. Fine!

Losing Brain Capacity

I'm embroiled in the worst quarter of my life, experiencing an annoying level of brain atrophy. I am overloaded with Greek translation and a slavery seminar. I have adapted my time and brain capacity to accommodate these important aspects, but it allowed my Italian course to lapse to the point where I was ambushed by a test. I hate the communicative approach to languages and I missed enough class with illness and my grandfather's death that I had to morph my enrollment schedule to allow me to drop Italian in the last week of the course. I'll probably complete most of the work for the course in preparation for my trip to Italy, but I may not take the final due to my Greek final requirements. I find my brain unable to process anything outside of my ancient languages or history at present. Age and stress are allowing my mind to become very forgetful of little things. I think I left my Greek notebook in class this week with a full quarter of intensive word lists and translation notes in it, I can't find it and it will really hurt my preparation for the final in this class. I can't remember anybody's name anymore. I can't process what my Italian instructor is saying fast enough because I can't concentrate on the stupid and inane material presented in lower level languages courses that meet 5 days a week. My brain capacity is deteriorating and I can only focus on the most important tasks at hand. The medical bureaucracy is a hassle in scheduling all of my sleep tests. I need to sleep better for my brain to work, and I'm just not. I'm contemplating trying to talk the doc's into loading me up some of the teen ADD meds to see if I can boost my concentration levels, but it is dubious. I need the summer to get here so I can be away from class for awhile. Italy should help me recharge, but we'll see. I don't know when my brain will allow me to remember to blog again. For now, that is all!

The Scourge of Fatigue

Forgive the blog hiatus, but my life has been rather oppressive lately. Time and energy have been at a premium. I flew home a couple weekends ago to see my daughter and help my mother with my grandfather's estate. It is difficult to go through 86 years worth of accumulation in a household. There was a strange paradox in being in a house so full of material things, yet still feeling an inherent emptiness of the house that had so many memories for me. It affected me a bit more than I expected, but I was glad iwas there for my mother. My 7 sets of aunts and uncles went through most of the stuff and took many personal things for themselves, but I was very grateful to be able to get some very personal items for myself that were related to some significant memories and experiences I had with my grandparents - including a hunting knife my father had purchased for my grandfather's birthday in the 1960's. I was also able to have a good weekend with Madaline, but due to a combination of exhaustion/stress/food poisoning/fatigue or something my body shut down when I got back and I had to miss my brutal Polybius seminar in greek translation. I'm still trying to catch up and I have to start putting together my paper on the archaeology surrounding the gladiatorial barracks at Pompeii - which I will see in person in a couple of months. I need to get to Italy to reenergize myself, the next few weeks will be grueling until it happens. I'm still getting limited sleep and my sinus doctors ran a CT scan and are sending me to a sleep study center when the paperwork is completed. I'm hoping they can improve my sleep and oxygen intake. Maybe I can gain a few IQ points and energy with more oxygen to my brain. My brain feels slow right now, and my body is deteriorating under the grad school lifestyle. I'm forcing some changes. I did go to a few Gradbar get togethers for free food and drinks, and decided to summon up from the depths elements of my old romance skills from the days when I actually gave a damn. I masked my emotional vacuousness behind a moderate veil of player smoothness to achieve a fairly surprising level of success with a plethora of lovely ladies. I now have to try to reshuffle my schedule to allow for that most difficult and delicate of all romantic endeavors: multiple person dating. I haven't had to date juggle in over 15 years and my disposition toward this is much different at age 36 than it was at age 22, but for now it is better to explore my range of options without getting entangled in an emotionally invested situation that requires a higher level of maintenance. At present, I just don't have the time or patience to be too emotionally invested in anyone other than my daughter. Disclaimer: Before anyone takes umbrage toward my strategy in this matter, know at this point in my life the situation has been fully disclosed to all parties involved as I've never been one to operate in a sleazy manner, even when I was 22. Hopefully, this strategic casual dating will provide some needed distraction from the oppressive nature of my academic schedule, but finding the time will be difficult. It should go well, as long as i can remain immune to the scourge of any semblance of deep emotion. Drinks, dinners, movies of a casual nature are much needed for me at this point. Be well!
P.S. I was almost mobbed by a swarm of screaming females a few minutes ago. I started to feel even better about myself until I realized Ashton Kutcher was behind me premiering his new movie with Cameron Diaz. Then I was almost crushed by the crazy paparazzi. That life has it's advantages, but I think at some point I would snap and descend into a berserker Conan rage that would leave the world light quite a few photogs. Sorry for the length of this diatribe, but I thought I would make up for the past couple of weeks. I'll try to maintain future brevity and consistency until I go to Italy.

Familial Remembrance

My present entanglement in largely inane academic concerns was disrupted by the death of my maternal grandfather Wednesday afternoon. My focus was retrained to remembrance of a man who lived life very much on his own terms in the face of a rapidly changing world. He was an Oregon logger of the old school who started falling trees with axe in hand during the Great Depression. I have inherited most aspects of my physical stature and strength from him along with an obstinacy and general animosity toward modern 'civilized' society. He was still trying to subsistence farm and herd his handful of goats last week despite failing health. I have numerous images and memories of my time with a man who was most comfortable working independently in the woods or on a farm without submitting to the daily oppression or grind of punching a time clock for wages at a company. He paid an economic price for his autonomy and refusal to submit to the changed economy, but he was more content living his life without being trapped like a rat in the maze of urbanized life. He was a usually good-natured and simple man who retained a level of superficial, yet lighthearted, orneriness throughout his life - underneath he was a surprisingly caring and sensitive person. He'd argue just to be obstinate and stir the pot in a teasing way, while grinning to let people know he was usually agitating for the sake of agitating. This is probably the root of my deteriorating boyish mischievousness that used to soften aspects of my personality and make me more interesting and likable. Hopefully, I can retain and reclaim some of this heritage before I lose the playful side of my nature to emotional vacancy and my atrophied bitterness. I think I can set forth myself as a decent legacy and representation of this man in this world.

A Good Spring Break with Madaline

Here are some pictures in a slideshow on the right from a fun time this last week. In 5 days Madaline and I went to an Egyptian Mummy Exhibit at the Bowers Museum, Sea World to dine with Shamu, San Diego Zoo, Universal Studios, Getty Villa, La Brea Tar Pits, Museum of Natural History to see dinosaur bones, Getty Villa and Museum, and Medieval Times. The image above is from the Museum of Torture at Medieval Times that Madaline demanded we pay $2 extra to go through. This is a lovely snippet I thought the feminists among you might like to rail against. The images of the masks used are among the pictures linked in the slideshow album next to this picture. There are many images of Shamu and other animals from the San Diego Zoo - along with the instruments of torture at Medieval times. Madaline had a great time and did not want to leave from her vacation and fun, but she also understands the advantage of living in the security of the familial homestead after seeing how different a large city is compared to what she is accustomed to. She wants to visit and play quite a bit though, which is good. I hope everyone had a good week - I did!